There is a moment in every avoidant individual’s relationships when you recognize self-sabotaging love in action. It looks a lot like pushing someone away by deleting their number after a perfect date, picking fights when they get too close, or mentally cataloging their flaws as the relationship grows. Every single time that we do this as fearful-avoidants or dismissive avoidants our nervous system kicks into gear to protect us from perceived threats.
Researchers from University of Southern Queensland in Australia developed a method to assess Relationship Sabotage and found that relationship self-sabotage stems from unconscious protection mechanisms including difficulty trusting partners, defensiveness, and lack of relationship experience (Peel & Caltabiano, 2021).
Self-sabotaging love often stems from childhood attachment trauma, leading to anxious or avoidant insecure attachment styles (Beeney et al., 2019; Feeney & Fitzgerald, 2019). Anxious individuals enact relationship-damaging behaviors despite seemingly beneficial actions, while avoidant partners withdraw to avoid intimacy (Jiang & Tiliopoulos, 2014; Mattingly & Clark, 2012). Both styles erode relationship satisfaction (Kinley & Reyno, 2019; Meyer et al., 2015), perpetuating self-sabotaging love through insecure relational patterns (Slade, 2019)
The good news? Now, we know what causes individuals to engage in a cycle of insecure attachment and self-sabotaging love. Therapists can work with individuals to break free of the self-fulfilling cycle.
Why Do We Sabotage Healthy Love?
Self-sabotaging love reveals itself through unconscious patterns that undermine relationships like criticism, emotional withdrawal, avoidance of intimacy, and lingering resentment. These behaviors often stem from personal fear, insecurity, or past wounds, creating cycles of conflict and distance in relationships.
Self-sabotaging love in a relationship can start with jealousy, poor communication, fear of commitment, or unrealistic expectations, such patterns further erode trust and connection. Recognizing these destructive habits is the first step toward breaking free from them.
Step 1: Identify Your Unique Self-Sabotaging Love Patterns
The first step to changing destructive relationship habits is recognizing your personal triggers. Start by keeping a two-week “relationship patterns journal” to track these key moments: when you feel sudden urges to pull away, obsessive focus on a partner’s flaws, urges to test their loyalty, or anxiety during intimacy. Note both emotional reactions and physical sensations like tension or restlessness. Many people discover eye-opening patterns, such as only feeling attracted when a partner withdraws or discomfort with stable connections. This simple observation practice helps you spot self-sabotage in action – the crucial first step toward building healthier relationships.
Step 2: Retrain Your Nervous System’s Responses
For those accustomed to turbulent relationships, secure connections can initially feel really boring because they lack the adrenaline spikes of unstable dynamics. Even I had to remind myself that conflict ≠ passionate. Passion is emotional safety and relationship stability. This step involves practicing intentional moments of calm connection with a trusted partner. Starting with brief, low-pressure interactions like holding hands during casual conversation or maintaining gentle eye contact. If discomfort arises, pause and observe your physical sensation without reacting.
Simply naming what you feel (“My chest feels tight” or “I suddenly want to leave”) helps rewire your body’s automatic responses. Over time, these exercises teach your nervous system to associate safety with intimacy rather than threat. The secret is consistency is key; many notice a gradual shift in their reactions after several weeks of daily practice.
Step 3: Rewrite Your Relationship Patterns
Our early experiences shape deep-seated expectations about how love should feel, often creating automatic reactions that no longer serve us. This step focuses on consciously building new relationship pathways. Begin each morning by recalling a specific positive moment with your partner. Imagine focusing on sensory details like the warmth of their touch, the tone of their voice, or the environment around you. As the feeling of connection becomes strongest, create a physical anchor by gently pressing your thumb and forefinger together. Later, when old patterns emerge, this simple gesture can help you reconnect with that secure feeling.
Complement this practice with small, intentional behaviors like responding to messages promptly (even when you feel like withdrawing) or expressing one simple need each week. These deliberate actions, repeated consistently, help reshape your relationship habits over time. Many people report noticeable changes in their automatic responses after several weeks of daily practice.
When to Seek Professional Reinforcement
While self-directed practice creates meaningful change when you couple your self-work with what can be learned with expert guidance, you’re taking the necessary steps away from self-sabotaging love towards healthy relationships with yourself and others. Consider therapy if/when you notice persistent physical symptoms (nausea during conflict, migraines after intimacy), discover trauma influencing your attachment style, or find yourself chronically attracted to emotionally unavailable partners. Modalities like Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP) specifically target attachment rewiring, with studies showing 80% efficacy in reducing relationship sabotage behaviors within six months.
Access our self-sabotaging love quizzes like our Relationship Sabotage Quiz. We focus on identifying triggers and challenging them with a scientific approach.
